The gap between me first hearing of messianic Judaism and following Yeshua as my Messiah was 10+ years.
This is because when faced with the choice of being a fully accepted part of the Jewish community, being fully woven in and wearing my identity with ease, OR joining what I saw as a rag tag mix of Christians and Jews who seemed not to have a clear community where I did not know where I would fit in, I chose the former.
I took much pride in being Jewish. I felt, and still feel defensive of Israel, both the nation and people. It's an "us against the world" bond, where simply living life out loud is an act of defiance against forces that have always sought to destroy us.
So when the question first presented itself, "Will I become messianic?" The answer was no.
The truth was, deep down I did believe Yeshua was who He said He was but Judaism and being comfortably and proudly Jewish were of #1 importance to me.
As I looked at messianic life, the movement felt so foreign and strange and all I saw and could discern was a sense of great loss. I could only see what I'd lose. I admired the Jewish leaders in the messianic movement for their bravery and convictions. But it also bothered me to see non-Jews, Christians, in the mix.
I wanted pure Judaism, and for me, that meant rejecting the Messiah.
At the time, I did not see it as rejecting the Messiah. I rationalized that since I believed in Him privately, in my heart, it was fine to live the way I wished and keep this belief a secret hobby at best.
I told myself I would visit the occasional messianic shul even. Once a year. I never did. When I would even consider it, I'd be filled with a sense of disgust.
I thought I could live on the fence: be a proud Jew, be accepted fully by non-believing Jewish friends and family and believe in Yeshua as an afterthought.
I thank G-d every day I did not die in that state. Not because I don't think I would have entered heaven. I did believe in my heart and confess with my mouth as is stated one must do to be saved.
But the thought now of facing Yeshua, facing G-d after living a life of denying Him in action, choosing people, identity, and acceptance over Him is unbearable. How would He have looked at me?
He died for me, endured unimaginable pain for me and I rejected living for Him due to pride?
I am thankful daily that He pursued me to this moment.
When Yeshua walked the earth there were many who believed but chose not to follow.
There was the rich young ruler who sought to be moral but could not give up what truly mattered to him.
There was the man who wanted to "bury his father- most scholars believe he meant he wanted to collect his inheritance-before following Yeshua.
There were those who believed but were afraid of losing status and community.
"Nevertheless even among the rulers many believed in Him, but because of the Pharisees they did not confess Him, lest they should be put out of the synagogue." -Yochanan 12:42 (John)
Another man seemed willing but wanted to go home first. Yeshua said, "No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God." -Luke 9:61-62
In my case it was my own Jewish identity that was my largest stumbling block. I was afraid of anything that could take that from me or cause me to be seen as less Jewish by people I loved and desperately needed.
But this morning, as I went about my day, I felt Hashem speaking to me to tell you there is nothing more Jewish than following and living for our Messiah.
Every Passover we have a cup for Eliyahu, Elijah. Some leave an empty chair for him. Children are encouraged to open the front door and check for the prophet after the seder. They stare into the darkness of night in their best pesach outfits looking for him. Why? Because we know Elijah's presence heralds the One we've been waiting for, the Messiah.
The coming of the Messiah is central to Judaism. "Maschiac!" is the plea of every Jewish heart but when He appears whether 2,000 years ago or in 2022, it seems we can't let go of the whatever we've elevated above Him. That was the case for me.
I did not see my Jewish identity as an idol, but it had become by god. It was what sustained me, filled me with hope, kept me warm against a dark world and I lived for it. It was so important to me I almost missed following the One who gave it to me.
When Yeshua faced those who placed pride in their pedigree, being Jewish, He corrected them swiftly.
"and do not think to say to yourselves, 'We have Abraham as our father.’ For I say to you that G-d is able to raise up children of Abraham from these stones." Mattityahu 3:9
I could make more of you out of rocks, He said.
Being Jewish has not saved one person, but Yeshua has.
So then the question remains, "Whats the point of being Jewish?"
Today I know. It's to live as Yeshua did: to be a living, completed Torah and light to Israel and the nations. No matter how anyone treats you, know it is a beautiful thing. Being a Jewish believer allows you to share Yeshua with Israel in a unique way. We were always called fo be keepers of morality in a pagan world, to be set apart, and now we are called to herald "Mashiach" to Israel.
I realize now that if I truly love Israel, truly love my Jewish friends and family, I would show them in my life and words that the Maschiac has come rather than trying to hide this truth so they love and accept me. The question goes from, "How can I be comfortable" to "How can they have Life?"
This is what it means to love Israel now. True love always has a cost and is sacrificial.
My identity is no longer a false god, it is a calling.
Yeshua walks with me through the fear and grief of being rejected by my own as He was and has shown me a new family in His Kingdom made up of a Tree of many beautiful branches with Him as the root.
Christians are not our enemies. They are our siblings. I remember one day as I was silently criticizing a Christian group in my heart I heard Yeshua's soft almost-whisper but crystal clear voice say, "That is my bride." Are they perfect? No. Are we? No. But they are His as we are. He did not appreciate me criticizing His bride, His body. Judgement is His and we are all only saved by His sacrifice. There are Christians persecuted even unto death for carrying Yeshua's name all over the world. We are family.
As a Jewish believer, we have a high responsibility and holy calling. It's to make Him known in our lives and follow Him as a witness to Israel. Would we trade this calling for temporary earthly comforts? I hope not.
He is there to help.
The first step is always to go to Him, confess whatever we've put before Him and ask for help.
If there's one thing I know, it's His loving kindness in picking up those who are lost, struggling, or have fallen. Bring your heavy heart to Him.
What a good G-d we serve.
"Then He said to them, “Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.” -Mattityahu 4:19 (Matthew)
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