Mazel tov, your child is approaching the age where they will be an adult in the Jewish community and spiritually responsible for themselves. There are many things to take into consideration when planning your child's event.
Here are a few questions you may want to sit down and discuss with your child:
What kind of b'nei mitzvah ceremony do you want? This isn't a birthday party for a five year old, it's a collaborative celebration of coming into adulthood and being presented to the Jewish community as a member who has chosen to embrace their Judaism and the responsibilities associated with it.
While not every single request can be honored, especially if they are unrealistic (at a water park) or cost prohibitive (with 2,000 of their best friends), it's good to get a sense of what the bar/mitzvah boy or girl desires.
Inviting their input and making it collaborative will make things much easier when it comes to the work they must put into it because they will have a sense of ownership. At the end of the day, and even though you are footing the bill, it is their event. It should be a reflection of them within reason and the family's budget.
Questions to ask: Indoor or outdoor? B'nei mitzvot do not all have to be inside (there are thousand a year at the kotel). How many people? Is there a theme? Colors?
Who do you see being there? There may be reasons why a child may want or not want school friends to be a part of their event. Same goes with extended family. Discuss this together with an understanding heart.
Questions to ask yourself:
Will it be held at a messianic congregation, traditional synagogue, or a third party location? Who will officiate? Every messianic Jewish household is different. Some belong to messianic congregations. Some belong to synagogues. Some belong to neither. Where you have your child's ceremony will depend heavily on your specific situation.
Pray with your child to find out what Hashem is leading you to do.
Not every messianic congregation has a b'nei mitzvah program. If your rabbi/leader is up to it, you can help them develop one.
The UMJC endorses this guide: https://www.umjc.org/barbat-mitzvah
If you're part of a messianic congregation that already has a b'nei mitzvah program, things may be more straight forward. Extended Jewish family may not be willing a messianic event. There may be difficult decisions involved. This will be something to pray about and discuss.
Perhaps Hashem will use your child's bar/bat mitzvah to reach someone in your family about Yeshua. Or you may feel Hashem leading you to show your Jewish family and community that believing in Yeshua does not make one any less Jewish.
Allow Him to guide you. He has a specific plan for every family.
If you're part of a traditional synagogue your child's b'nei mitzvah preparation will be simple.
Some synagogues require membership to participate in their b'nei mitzvah programs, especially if they involve a partial group format with other children. Others, especially smaller ones, do not.
Even if you are not official members of a synagogue, as a Jew, a bar/bat mitzvah is your child's birthright. Research will help you find a synagogue in your area with a program or someone willing to help.
In my experience, I've found synagogues are less interested in your personal beliefs and more interested in helping a Jewish child come of age properly.
Ask Hashem to lead you to the right place and the right people.
*Note: Don't forget to give a donation to whoever prepares your child for their b'nei mitzvah. The donation can be made directly to the teacher/officiant or to the synagogue/congregation if they prefer. It's a nice way to show appreciation for their time and efforts.
Will they care if we're messianic? Some will, some won't. Ask Him to guide you and He'll make your straight path.
If messianic congregations and traditional synagogues aren't an option, take matters into your own hands. You can prepare your child and host your own b'nei mitzvah.
Approximate timeline of Bar/Bat Mitzvah Preparation:
One year before: A knowledge of the aleph bet and the pronunciation of each letter is extremely important. If your child has no knowledge of Hebrew, a year before their b'nei mitzvah (or less if they'd like to do a crash course) should be spent learning. There are many resources here.
Six months before: Find your child's Torah portion: https://www.yeshiva.co/calendar/bmcal
Select the section of Torah portion your child will be learning. There is nowhere in the Tanakh that says a child must learn to chant the whole thing. Choose a segment with your child that is meaningful to them and that they can manage.
Once you have your verses, use a website such as Haftarah Audio to help them learn to chant their portion.
Print out the Torah portion and set your child up to regularly (at least once a week, twice is better), practice their Torah portion. This time should also be spent learning about the significance of the verses and how they can apply it to their lives.
Follow the B'nei mitzvah guide above for other considerations. This is a time for your child to learn what being spiritually responsible for oneself means and what it means to be part of the Jewish community, especially the messianic one. It is a time of reflection and prayer as well as education.
Five months before. Plan the b'nei mitzvah. Will a parent officiate it? A friend? A family member? Who will be there? Where will it be?
Despite some YouTube videos and popular television shows, a b'nei mitzvah does not have to be a huge and expensive event. There's nothing wrong with going all out, it is a celebration, but try not to allow the party to overshadow the spiritual significance. Don't feel like you have to break the bank. Gardens and backyard events make for beautiful b'nei mitzvot as well.
What truly matters is your b'nei mitzvah knowing Hashem and Yeshua are their guests of honor and that they are affirming their decision to be responsible before G-d.
That said, this is something to celebrate. Select your food, candy for launching at the bar/bat mitzvah boy or girl and music. Cater or cook, it's your decision. Bake or buy a cake!
Four months before. It's traditional for a b'nei mitzvot to undertake a bar/bat mitzvah project with an emphasis on tikkun olam/healing the world, or a Biblical value such as caring for the needy or sick. They are service related and center around volunteer work or charity.
If you search YouTube, you'll find a plethora of example of Bar/bat mizvah projects. Here is a handy guide on choosing one: https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/how-to-choose-a-mitzvah-project-for-a-barbat-mitzvah/
One month before. It's also traditional for the b'nei mitzvah to write a speech. This is typically related to their project but also an opportunity to talk about what being Jewish means to them. They usually mention members of their family and thank them for the contributions in their lives. Your child can search YouTube and watch other children's speeches for inspiration. Have them practice giving it multiple times to cut down on the jitters!
You've done it! There's no feeling like getting a child successfully through their b'nei mitzvah. Watching them stand at the bimah and chant before the community and seeing the Torah scroll in their arm are surreal and proud moments for any parent who can still remember their bris or naming ceremony.
Being Jewish, especially in this day and age once again, often comes with strife. After centuries we still have to defend our right to exist, our right to have a nation, and our right to live in peace. Many, many of us have fallen at the hands of those who have wished to destroy us, but witnessing a child have their b'nei mitzvah is a testament to Hashem's protection, Yeshua's love and that am Israel chai.
Is their anything more beautiful?
May Hashem guide and bless you and your child on this journey in Yeshua's holy name.
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